


Experiments

by Katzedecimal



Series: Apres La Mort [4]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Experiments, First Time, M/M, POV First Person, Schmoop, filling in the blanks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-11
Updated: 2012-08-31
Packaged: 2017-11-11 21:32:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/483101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katzedecimal/pseuds/Katzedecimal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John's never had a partner like Sherlock before.  It's a whole new territory, with new complications, where very little of his previous experience applies.  There's a lot to remember and a lot to be lost if he forgets.  He'd better take notes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Experiment I

**Author's Note:**

> filling in the blanks in _Burning Bridge_ and _The Gyre_

Figure I should jot my notes down before I forget them. Seems silly, taking notes about sex. Never needed to before but never met anyone like him before, either.

Woke up, it was still dark, still a few hours to go before reaching our destination. My wound was sore but nothing a few painkillers couldn't solve, so not enough to bother me. Woke up with S. curled against me. Still feel very comfortable with that, though still a bit surprised. We talked a bit & giggled a bit. I really don't think I've ever giggled as much as I do with him. Something about him just brings out a playfulness that I'd thought gone when I went to Afghanistan. Felt very comfortable making naughty jokes with him, despite having acquired my morning erection. S. commented on it, though I notice he hesitated first. My own fault, really. Missed out on some good jokes there. Was feeling comfortable & playful & thought back to what S. had said about escargot. To be honest, I didn't know if we would get another chance, so I felt a bit now-or-never about it. Still, wasn't sure how to ask him or how he'd react. Decided to try approaching it as an experiment. 

Put the suggestion to S. who was surprisingly enthusiastic about it. Frankly, I think he even surprised himself. Was pounced immediately, always a good sign but not something I ever expected from him, not really. S. kisses very well & expressed same to me. Been told many times that I kiss well so nice to know I measure up for him. Felt bad about experimental nature of this. From what S. described of his previous lovers, I wanted to be more at the top of my game, show him it didn't have to be like that. 

Felt considerable hesitation about touching S. in a sexual manner. To be honest, I was afraid I might lose my erection, hence trying the experiment while under morning influence. Felt a combination trepidation & desire, very confusing. S. looked confused as well. Realised he was feeling a stronger desire for me than he'd anticipated & was surprised by it. Quite likely he might have been as surprised by his desire for me as I was by my desire for him. I have to admit, when I realised that, I felt very flattered. Expressed doubts about my inexperience with men to S., who assured me it wasn't all that different. Risked a joke, told him I rather hoped he'd find it was different, got a big grin out of S. who said "Me too." Still feel a big rush of I don't know what whenever S. smiles that way. I always feel like I've done something good, like my life is complete now, I've made S. smile again. 

Decided to approach S. the way I would approach anyone (any lady, that is.) Lots of kisses, lots of touches. S. generally enthusiastic & cooperative, also reciprocative. Damn but he's good to kiss. Got a wicked tongue on him, I was seeing stars & we hadn't even gotten shirts off yet. 

Cracks started to appear when the shirts came off. Was kissing & caressing as per usual, S. seemed quite ticklish. Then realised he wasn't ticklish, he was flinching. Looked up & saw S. wincing, wondered if I was hurting him somehow? Reached to suck his nipple & twirled fingers around his other nipple. Felt more flinching, looked up, he was definitely wincing. Something wasn't pleasant for him, not sure what it was. Left off nipple play, went back to kissing, S. enthusiastic again. 

S. may not enjoy nipple play but not shy about giving it. Also very good, very wicked tongue. Getting hard just remembering. S.'s mouth quite possibly the best I've ever encountered. It's a sin, letting that talent go to waste. Had a hard time staying quiet, mindful that we were on a train. S.'s hands very nice, too, strong, quickly figured out how I like to be touched. S. didn't appear to be bored yet, haha. 

Felt very apprehensive about touching S.'s cock, even over pyjamas & pants. I think part of what scared me was how much I wanted to. S. quite firm but not as hard as I'd expected (certainly not as hard as I was.) Very surprised by how into it I felt. Surprised by how much I wanted to get past the pyjamas & pants. Made a few jokes with S., more giggling. 

Got past the pyjamas & pants, still too dark to see much. Surprised by how disappointed I felt & by how much I wanted to look at S., see him naked like that, or as near to as one cares to get on a train. Could feel much, though. S. was harder then, though still not as hard as I was. Felt very into it, by then quite desirous though not sure quite what I was desiring, other than S. Don't know if I'm into any other blokes, but apparently very into S. Felt him touch me & had to suck at his throat to keep from making too much noise. S.'s hands very nice, had a bit of trouble to keep from coming off too quickly. Always liked S.'s hands, definitely like them there. S.'s previous experience quickly became apparent when he brought our cocks into contact & stroked both together. Very different sensations, quite nice. Couldn't hold it for very long. Managed to gasp a warning to S., he kissed me & I came off quite hard, quite a ferocious orgasm. Was afraid my semen would offend S., who's notoriously fastidious. When I got my breath back, I realised that he was licking it off his fingers. Nearly came off a second time. 

Realised S. hadn't come yet & touched him, thinking to stroke him off. Asked if that was alright, he just shrugged. Wanted very much to give S. an orgasm. Tried many of the little tricks previous girlfriends had used on me, to good effect. To good effect on me; very little effect on S. or so it seemed. Heard S. sigh, knew that sound, that was S.'s exasperated sigh. Asked him if he wanted me to stop. S. eventually said no. He sounded annoyed. Now that I think on it, more likely frustrated than annoyed. He'd mentioned this before, that he could take a very long time to reach orgasm & skin could become sore & irritated well before climax. Told him it was alright with me if he didn't reach an orgasm. Much as I wanted to make him come, what I really wanted was for him to enjoy being with me as much as I was enjoying being with him. I didn't want anything, like chafing or him feeling pressured into anything, to get in the way of that. He gave me a look, sort of like when I first met him & he'd deduced me & I'd told him he was brilliant. I didn't quite know what to make of it, but he told me to carry on.

Switched hands & kept going. Kept kissing S. all over & telling him how happy he makes me. I think that surprised him. I know it surprised me but it's true. S. seemed bewildered but pleased. He really isn't used to people liking him. He's used to people thinking everything he does is wrong. Felt like I'm the only one who can see what an incredible gift this man is, or maybe he's just my gift, like God's gift to me. Here's your reward for all your service in Afghanistan and everywhere, here's this wonderful brilliant man who'll drive you batty, make you question everything you think, & give you a life that puts everything you've learned to good use, make you feel more useful than ever. Here he is, he's all yours. He's all mine. Felt deleriously happy at these thoughts. Shared a bit of them with S. (still felt a bit now-or-never.) He gave me a different look. Never seen that expression in his eyes before, don't know what to make of that. The kiss that followed was just magic, though. He came shortly after that. Total time, a little under an hour. Likely why he finds sex tedious & not worth the trouble, especially given his past partners. Hoped I could improve that a little, if we got another chance. 

Made a joke about my wrists being shot after that & commented about how long it took for him to reach climax. Don't know what I was thinking, saying that. He went quiet for a bit (who wouldn't?) then finally said that that was actually fast. Tried to recover by saying "So, what, you're telling me, I made you come like a teenager?" and oh thank God, the smile was back.

Afterwards, asked S. if it was any different. He didn't want to answer, can't blame him for that. It's a tricky sort of question, the sort where nobody actually wants to hear the truth. Told him I'd be okay with it, though, & I genuinely am. S. seemed genuinely disappointed though, finally admitted that it wasn't different enough. Did feel a bit of a downer but rallied, 'not different enough' means there was **some** difference, after all. Suspect the 'not different enough' aspects lie in the skin sensitivity  & long time to climax areas. Tested the theory by caressing him, asked him what that felt like. He compared it to when I had sunburn & could barely stand any kind of light stroking touch. That told me much right there, so tried a stroke with firmer pressure, more palm contact. That seemed to go over much better, so it may be a matter of finding the right way. S. agreed, said more experimentation was warranted. 

Really hoping we get another chance. Surprised by how strongly I feel about that. It was fun, felt nice, but there's a bit of a challenge there, to figure out how to make it different-enough for him. And dammit, I know I just can't resist a good challenge, any more than he can resist an experiment. Which is just a recipe for I don't know, bisexuality? I don't know what. I didn't like it any **more** than I've liked sex with my girlfriends but I didn't like it any less, either, because it's S. Honestly, I don't know if I'd ever sleep with any other bloke, but I did like sleeping with S. I hope I can make it worthwhile to him.


	2. Experiment II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John's never taken notes for sex before. John's never taken notes _during_ sex before, either.

Got some more notes to get down. First time I've ever taken notes **during** sex, that was a bit hilarious, but I didn't want to lose anything. S. more than agreeable, was grinning, said it wasn't a proper experiment if you don't take notes, then got his own notepad. Oh God! I don't even want to think about what kind of notes he took about me. Yes I do, I'm horribly curious. They're probably better than my notes, probably all clinical and such. Oh God, clinical notes about sex! I'm laughing. 

At the cabin, S. recovering from very bad experience in Bangkok but opened up after some quiet, playing his violin, & getting some kip. All advice spot on, S. responding very well, feel much better able to support him now. Had a snuggle then asked him about the night on the train, what was different about it. S. took a long time to answer, finally said one difference was he'd stayed hard. Couldn't help but giggle over that, especially given I hadn't been sure myself whether I could keep an erection, since I'd never been into men before. That gave insight into S.'s previous partner difficulties though: People tend to take it personally if you lose your hard-on, even if it has nothing to do with them. It's a problem faced by many people with various interferences, diabetes, neurological, etc. S.'s mind and body do often seem to be at differences with each other. Wasn't sure my mind and body wouldn't be at odds, either, that's why I'd wanted to consider it as an experiment, hopefully be taking it less personally that way. 

S. allowed that he liked holding hands with me. We were cuddling and holding hands, stroking fingers, etc. This pleased him very much, also appeared to be mildly arousing to him, to judge by light blush of cheeks & dialated pupils (though the latter could just as easily have been lighting.) Suggested we get some nosh at the restaurant, S. suggested room service and another experiment. Could **not** stop my grin. 

Dug out my previous notes to refresh my memory about where things seemed off the first time. That got S. laughing, as noted above. Really love S.'s laughter, I mean really really love it when he laughs. It sounds so rich and his eyes go all sparkly. Yep, I've lost it for him, no point denying it now. 

\- _ears lobe ok, shell no_  
Apparently there's a very fine line between nibbling  & biting for S., also very distinct division between zones. Nibbling S.'s earlobe okay but quickly starts to feel like biting, especially if pressure not fully controlled. Nibbling shell of ear, esp. upper part of cartilege, feels very unpleasant, best avoided. Probably best to stick to earlobes only & cover teeth, use only lips & tongue. Dry tongue, too much saliva feels unpleasant, distracting. 

\- _hair ok, caution_  
Card, don't tug. S.'s scalp very sensitive, knew this from previous barber visits. OK with carding fingers through hair, stop immediately if encounter a tangle, don't try to untangle it myself. Do not tug hair for any reason, it is very painful. Did not learn this the hard way; S. told me about previous partner's habit of tugging on his hair during oral sex. Just the thought of S. giving oral was **very** arousing. 

\- _throat, not direct w/ hands_  
S. flinches if hands placed on throat over windpipe. Not surprising, given how many times people have tried to choke him over the course of his career. Kisses OK, sucking OK, probably best to keep to base of throat  & under jaw, keep away from windpipe. 

\- _touch, full palm, full fingers, light - medium_  
As previously noted, very light caressing with fingertips is too intense, not pleasurable. Found that a somewhat firmer stroke, with the full flats of the fingers, or better still the full palm, went over much better. Gentle kneading of muscles appreciated. 

\- _nipples, suck yes, tweak no_  
S. does not like the feeling of having his nipples tweaked, pinched, or twirled about with fingers. Feeling is very unpleasant, sharp  & jabbing, a right turn-off. Sucking felt good, however not too long or pleasant feeling turns unpleasant. Switch it up often.

\- _don't tickle_  
S. very ticklish but it is not pleasant. Ticklish muscles cramp painfully, ticklish soles of feet cramp then charlie-horse. Found tops of feet more pleasantly ticklish, also under ribs, but is tricky. Probably best avoided. 

\- _hands yes_  
S.'s hands very sensitive, very responsive. Responds very well to kissing, nibbling, sucking, licking, caressing, anything I cared to try, it seemed. Could linger over hands for quite a while due to positive response. S. very tactile, liked to touch, stroke, caress. Hands an important erogenous zone. 

\- _smell important_  
Already knew S. is sensitive to smells  & aromas. Smell an important determining factor in state of arousal, unpleasant aromas can quench arousal. Pleasant aromas don't contribute to arousal but will facilitate if other arousing factors are in place. S. very much likes the way I smell. Likes best if I've been exerting a bit but haven't gone stale, finds "fresh John with jumper and leather jacket" aromas to be arousing. Did not suspect this, no wonder he always seemed a bit jumpy when we were just home from a case. Finds fresh vanilla bean to be mildly arousing, also sandalwood & cinnamon leaf oil. Made a joke about formaldehyde, he hit me with a pillow and said no. Impromptu pillow fight.

\- _pillow fight_  
Not really a surprise that this worked for both of us. Not so much during, but after collapsing on each other in giggles  & breathing hard, it sort of took off from there. 

\- _cock irritable_  
OK that sounds like a chicken with a mood disorder. What I meant by that was, as previously noted, poor S. got blessed with the magic combination of easily irritated skin on a penis that takes the long scenic route to orgasm. For a hand job, saliva isn't enough, use a quality lubricant. No lotions, ingredients may irritate, possibility of allergic rash. Oral OK, good at giving as well (did not last long, embarrassing, coming like a teenager like that.) Receiving OK, though took me a few tries to get the hang of it, not to mention get my nerve up, despite repeated assurances from S. that I didn't have to. That just made me want to even more. Enjoyed it much more than I thought I would. S. said I caught on very quickly; tried not to die of embarrassment. Important I not feel obliged to pursue S.'s orgasm to the point of pain myself, i.e. sore wrists, jaw, etc. Detrimental to S.'s enjoyment of my attentions. Makes sense, pressure on him to reach orgasm quickly is also detrimental. S. much more relaxed when assured that I'm fine if he doesn't come. Bit of talk about why people place such emphasis on orgasms, brief dip into social power  & control issues often present in pursuing orgasms in partners. Agreed those weren't the motivations of either of us. Long talk about expectations and needs and what we were each comfortable pursuing, within the bounds of experimentation. Long talk about what "making love" means to both of us. Think we're on the same page now. 

\- _quiet, still into it_  
Amazingly, S. was still hard after all that. Remembered what he said about it being about the mind, for him - possibly, intelligent discussion is a turn-on for him. Who am I kidding, he's surrounded by stupid people, of course it's going to be a turn-on. Just realised that's a compliment to myself. Anyways, what I meant by that was, S. doesn't react to pleasure like my other lovers. Noticed this on the train but thought it was because we were on a train, but it appears not. S. very quiet, doesn't thrash about or moan or say my name or anything like that. Wasn't sure I was having any effect, to be quite honest (very unsettling for one's first blowjob.) Watched his face a bit, his eyes were closed, looked much like when he's thinking, brows slightly drawn, etc. Realised, no, that is his focusing face, he's concentrating. Asked if it was alright, got a sharp nod  & breath in response. Realised his breathing was shallow, more in keeping with a state of erotic excitement. Not a lot of noise in orgasm, either, just one or two sharp cries. Talked about it afterwards; all the moaning & wriggling about & stuff, it's very distracting for him & actually **dissipates** the sensations. Given how long it can take him to reach orgasm, I can see how that would be counter-productive. Asked if it was similarly distracting if I do it (since it's very natural for me  & I have trouble suppressing it.) He said no, only if he tries to do it. Said he'd rather concentrate on the sensations I'm giving him since they're pleasant. Teased him, asked how could I know if he was really into what I was doing or if he was thinking about a case. He said if he was still there, he was into it, and if he was thinking about a case, he'd be on the couch. I asked, so what if I was doing him on the couch? He told me I'd deduce it. I hit him with a pillow.

\- _pillow fight_  
Didn't work this time, not surprising. Fun afterplay though. Afterwards, S. very relaxed, very cuddly, happy. Beautiful smile. Asked if it was any better. S. admitted it was 'different enough' to be worth further pursuit, especially with agreements in place. Said he liked the way I touch him but he **really** liked my attitude about it. Said he could understand now, how I got to be "Three Continents Watson." Tried to die of mortified embarrassment, failed miserably. Told him his sensory sensitivity issues warranted further experimentation  & that I was determined to achieve a point where he had a purely pleasurable experience, regardless of what that entailed. He looked at me with that odd look again, the one I had never seen before the last time on the train. Then he kissed me and I saw stars.


	3. Experiment III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John puts his notes to the test.

Right. More notes. That one was eventful. Actually it wasn't so much the sex that was eventful but what came before it. At least M.'s alright now though I must admit, it's going to take some creative explaining. 

S. was in a right state, given everything that had happened, and needed settling more than anything else. I dug out my notes from last time to refresh. Let S. see them, had a good laugh over it. He needed a good laugh after all that. 

Not so experimental this time, at least not for me. S. needed comfort, so instead I tried to put my notes into practice and tried for a smoother experience. Tried to be at the top of my game for this one. 

Went better this time. S. very responsive to kissing, I think he'd be quite happy to snog and cuddle and hold hands and nothing else. So quite a lot of snogging. Hair went better, used a gentle touch, more like petting. He relaxed into it quite nicely. Tried earlobes only, with lips and tongue. That went well, he found it pleasantly ticklish, got a few giggles out of him. 

S. was very involved, very attentive. Never thought he could be so affectionate or so physically expressive of it. Given the circumstances, it was understandable but it spoke to me of quite a lot. The feelings were mutual though. I know he needs me but I need him too, did my best to let him know it. 

Interesting to note, participation was reciprocating, back and forth, rather than concurrent. I expect that's a result of S.'s processing differences. Not a big deal to me, just interesting. Makes for a different experience, different expectations, but I can imagine it'd be unsettling to someone else. S. still very quiet, seems unresponsive to stimulation but I'm learning how to read his responses. They're very subtle, not at all like my own or like anyone else I've ever slept with. The key is recognising his focusing face, something I'm very familiar with. It makes me wonder, though, whether his past lovers ever recognised when he was involved in the sensations? Based on discussions with S., I think not, seems they thought he was losing interest. Of course, eventually he **did** lose interest. Seems there were quite a few rows before he finally gave it up. I'm starting to understand why he kept it all so carefully hidden from M., who thought he was still a virgin. M. does like to point and laugh, saw that at B.P. 

S. was more hyper-sensitive this time, with sensations more intense, more easily overwhelming to him. Not surprising, given the events. I recognised when it was getting to be a bit much and let S. have go at exploring me. As noted, S. was very affectionate, no doubt in my mind about how he feels towards me. Rather humbling, actually. Paid close attention to how S. conducted explorations. Fingertips press rather than stroke, lips drag more than kiss. S. nuzzles quite a lot, though that may be partially driven by emotions after what happened. Smell is very important. It seems strange to be snuffled as much as that but it has a definite effect on S., I shall simply have to get used to it. S. is very much more whole-skin oriented than any other lover I've had, doesn't concentrate on traditional erogenous zones. As with the sniffing, it led to some awkward feelings but only because it's non-traditional therefore not expected. Will get used to it, as I've gotten used to just about everything to do with S. 

S. is not skittish about my scars. Neither does he praise them. He doesn't ask about them, either. He does kiss them and includes them in his whole-skin explorations. I don't know why I feel relieved about it.

Taste appears to be almost as important to S. as smell. I don't think I've ever been nibbled so thoroughly. His mouth is simply magic, lips, tongue - all of it. I'm learning that S. takes 'sensual' back to its original meaning of pertaining to the senses. For someone who regards his body as transport, S. is easily one of the most sensual people I've ever known. Again, some awkward feelings due to unfamiliarity but I'm not going to argue with what works for him. 

I came off with a lovely orgasm, after which S. spooned up to me and snuggled. Felt very content with this. We held hands for a bit, S. stroked my fingers and traced freckles, scars, etc. He appeared to be feeling skin textures. Dynamic hand holding. I've never experienced anything quite like it, not for this long or this level. It's a new kind of intimacy for me but I quite like it and S. definitely does. Hands are very important to S. as noted previously. Noted S. hadn't come and asked if he wanted me to return the favour. He said "What makes you think you're not?" He had such a lovely expression. I couldn't argue with that. No matter how much I wanted to bring him off (his face is amazing) I didn't want to risk destroying that place he was in. I snuggled against him and eventually fell asleep. 

I woke up once or twice to find myself completely trapped in S.'s limbs. He was sound asleep, clinging to me like a koala clinging to a eucalyptus tree, haha. Realised my shoulder was damp. Salt water, tears. Not surprising - for all the whole "arch enemy" thing, he does love his big brother. Whenever there's trouble, S. has always known who he can depend on.


	4. Experiment IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How _do_ you play with chocolate with someone whose skin sensitivities are such that they find a light caress to be unpleasant? John aims to find out.

Ohhhhhhh my God, what a weekend. Those boys, I swear to God, they're worse than Harry and I ever were, I'm certain of it. I don't know how anyone puts up with them, me especially, haha. Proof that I'm barmy after all, I guess, given I actually managed it. 

Didn't get nearly as much time as I wanted with S., but the trip was mainly for him and M. so wasn't begrudging. S. is very close to being able to come home, we're both so happy about that. I can't wait for him to come home. 

What private time we did get together, we spent mostly cuddling, which was lovely. I was fine with that, as M. was in the ajoining room. S. left the ajoining doors open for the most part but tonight, even though S. had closed the doors, I **really** could live without M. commenting about how loud I am with that withering sneer of his. Wouldn't be surprised if S. felt the same way, what with years of putting up with M.'s snide little "How would you know?"s and similar.

Anyhow, seems they're mending their fences or trying to, at least. I doubt they ever will, any more than Harriet and I ever could. But it's nice to see them trying. We went to this lovely fondue place, quite a lot of fun and very tasty. I'll admit to having ideas about the chocolate fondue and when we got back to our hotel, it seemed that similar ideas had occurred to S., because he'd brought back the chocolate fondue sauce! 

I've played with chocolate before, of course, but never with anyone as.... _mouthy_ as S. (and by that, I don't mean it the way that I usually do.) Taste seems to be quite important to S. and he uses his mouth quite a lot when he's exploring me, so add the prospect of chocolate into the equation and suddenly I was harder than Chinese algebra. 

I usually take a finger-painting approach to playing with chocolate but there are S.'s sensitivity issues to think about. Does finger-painting work with someone who finds a light caress to be uncomfortable? Only one way to find out, haha. But I don't really want to subject S. to unpleasant sensations. The last time we were able to get together like this, I was able to give S. what was probably the first fully enjoyable sexual experience he'd ever had and I really don't want to mess that up. 

Remembered that S. presses more than strokes, when exploring me. So, I tried dabbing the chocolate instead, almost annointing with it. That seemed to go over very nicely. Commented about how the aromas of S. and dark chocolate seemed to go well together, haha. Did try finger-painting a heart on S.'s chest (over his heart, of course), couldn't resist putting "JW + SH" inside of it. He got that funny look again, the one I'd never seen before the time on the train. I don't know how to describe that look or quite what it means. It's a little bit disbelieving, it's a little bit incredulous... I don't know. Maybe it's what the Internet calls "all the feels." I just get the feeling that his inner tsunami wall is cracking, when he gets that look. I really don't know. All I know is, he gets that look and then he snogs me and I see stars. 

I must admit, he tastes quite nice with chocolate on him. Asked him if he wanted to try for an orgasm, proposed an experiment to see whether chocolate would make an adequate lubricant for a handjob, haha. He said he wasn't bothered about the orgasm but the experiment sounded great. Thing is, chocolate is ever so slightly gritty, so had a running commentary from S. about how it felt. Teased him about first he's soundless, now he can't stop talking, he responded with "But we need the data for the experiment!" I said "Who's recording it then 'cause I'm not" and he said he couldn't, citing observer's paradox, then declared the whole experiment nullified, such a shame, have to try it again another time then. We had a good laugh about it. S. is quite a lot of fun in bed but as usual, I think most people just wouldn't think so. I've always thought of myself as just an ordinary bloke, but I guess I'm one of a kind, I think that S. is fun to be with, even when he's a git, and I think he's quite an enjoyable lover.

Actually managed to bring S. off this time. Took a while, as per usual, but I switched it up often so as not to get sore (both) or bored (him.) Me, I don't think I could get bored trying to bring S. off, his face is just too fascinating. That look of intense concentration is just too endearing. His previous lovers read it as disinterested, which only tells me how little mind they paid him, that they didn't look at him often enough to recognise what it was. S. commented on the irony of semen as a superior lubricant but being the end product of the activity that needs the lubricant. Had another chuckle over it but it gave me a few ideas. 

S.'s turn with the chocolate and once again, he surprised me. He had a little paintbrush and proceeded to paint on me with the chocolate. When he was done, he had drawn quite a credible image of a mongoose. I'd had no idea he was artistic on top of being a violinist. I mentioned that the Internet had decided that I'm a hedgehog, whereupon he erased the mongoose by licking it off, slowly. Then he drew a picture of an otter cuddling a hedgehog and looking put out because of the prickles, haha! Simply adorable. 

He then said he was feeling uncomfortably sticky and dragged me off to the shower. I hadn't come off yet but that was fine, I wasn't as bothered about it as I might have been. In the past, I would have taken that as a rude interruption but I'm learning to be more flexible in my thinking. 

Besides, it turned out he had shower play in mind and I don't mind that at all! I do have trouble keeping quiet and S. figured the noise of the shower would minimise the odds of M. tutting at me in the morning. He then mentioned he considered his low libido to be a blessing and could I imagine a normal teenager with M. as older brother and I could **not** stop giggling because dear Lord, I **could** imagine it! There'd be just no end of blackmail. I told him the last thing I wanted to think about was M. while getting off with his little brother and could we talk about something else, please? So he did and I..... did not think he knew that kind of language, haha!! And in that voice. I believe this is where denizens of the Internet say "omg!"

Came off **very** nicely then had a proper wash. Confessed to S. that it was getting harder to leave him every time. Fact is, I'm afraid, hell no I'm bloody terrified, that something is going to trip us up when he's so close to the finish line. He said that wasn't unreasonable and said M. would tell me on the way back to London. He said I wasn't so much out of danger, as that the nature of the danger had changed and him hiding was no longer enough to protect me so he could come home soon.

I want him to come home. It gets harder and harder to leave him every time and every time I do, every time I find another song on my media player, I miss him that much more. I'd thought I wanted a normal life with a surgery and a girlfriend, eventually a wife, and I've since come to realise that what allowed me to endure my "normal" life was the craziness I had at home with S. S. and his cases and experiments and never knowing what the next hour was going to hold, whether it'd be finding a new body part in the fridge, entertaining a client or being dragged off on an investigation. I miss him being an arrogant git, I miss him complaining about being bored (and **OH** do I understand that now!), and I miss his bloody violin waking me up in the middle of the night when I'm having a nightmare. And maybe it makes me a nutter but I love it all and I love him.


	5. Results: Deleted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John contemplates how becoming Sherlock's lover has changed both of them.

He's home, he's home, **he's home!!!** And probably have something to say about multiple exclamation points but he can say all he wants because HE'S HOME!!!!!!!

It's finally over. I still can barely believe it. Moriarty's sniper is still a concern but we're facing it together and he's finding us to be quite a challenge.

Hey look, I finally have a moment to finish this entry, sheesh. S. has actually been home for a little while now, just this is the first chance I've had to scribble anything down. He was still in case-mode when he first came home, he was working on Adair case, so there was time to settle in and get used to having him back. A lot has changed and a lot hasn't changed. I still can't believe I actually **missed** opening the refrigerator and finding miscellaneous body parts next to the kippers (although that's changing in a fortnight.) He's still a git and still a mess and he still texts me every half minute it seems, and he still treats me like his PA, to some extent. But there's a lot that has changed. 

He's pretty affectionate now, that's what's changed the most. Granted, I suspect he might have been affectionate before all this happened, had he known that it would be welcomed, but it is now and it's a little bit surprising. But it seems I can't walk past without him reaching out to touch me, just briefly. Mind you, I can't resist touching him, either. If he's not on a case, every time I go past, I just have to touch him (to see if he's still real, I guess, haha.) If I'm cooking or doing the washing-up, he might come up behind me and touch me or even give me a hug. He still lies on the couch to think but now his favorite pillow is my lap, haha. Although not when he's on a case -- I can't resist stroking his hair and he finds that too distracting when he's working. Although he was reluctant to admit to that; I think he really likes the way I pet his hair. 

Sex is mostly on my end, as well, though I'm not bothered about it. S. has a sluggish libido but I'm fine with that. Mine's considerably livelier but he's fine with that too, as long as he's not working. If he's in the mood to give me an orgasm, he'll do that, and if not, he'll snuggle me if I want to toss off with him. It's different but it's nice. It's not defined, but there's no pressure there either, no expectations, so it's fine. I'm not getting any younger, after all, and sometimes... well, sometimes I realise that an orgasm isn't really what I wanted after all. 

S. in the mood is a bit different too. He's not shy about letting me know, that's not a problem. I might find a suggestive song on my player, that's always amusing. Had people scratching their heads at the surgery the other day, after I found _Kiss You All Over_ on it, haha! But while he might be feeling frisky, he doesn't always want an orgasm; sometimes he just wants to give me an orgasm. Which I'm perfectly fine with, but it is a bit awkward at times. It feels rude, that's all, not giving him one in return, but really, even when he _wants_ one, he doesn't always _get_ one, so it'd be even more rude to force him into that situation of guaranteed frustration. It's fine, it's just my own social conditioning talking. It's just something I have to get over myself.

But when he does have one, my God is it worth the wait. He just comes apart, all at once, and his face is just magic.

Regardless of whether he has an orgasm or not, S.'s face afterwards is what keeps me on task. His face goes so soft, completely relaxed, with this tiny little smile and his eyes turn so soft and gentle. I never actually say it but I think of it as his 'caramel' face, because it's so soft and sweet and it makes my heart melt to see it, haha. That's what keeps me on task. My goal is to keep S. happy with my lovemaking, not to make him see fireworks or come so hard he paints his own throat (although that happened.) 

That was pretty good actually, haha. I was trying a few things I'd read about (my vocabulary has expanded quite a bit!) and I could tell it was building into something pretty intense. The thing is, S. hasn't _had_ intense before, so there was a bit of a moment where he just wasn't comfortable with it. So I asked him to trust me and reminded him that I'd take care of him if he blacked out. And he did. A few minutes later he came off so hard, I swear, if a man could personify the Big Bang, he surely did, haha! 

For a moment there, I thought he actually **had** blacked out! He was _so_ still and limp, he just wasn't moving at all. I asked if he was alright and it was a few moments before he made this little noise. So I asked if he was still with me and he shook his head a little then flicked his hand vaguely and mumbled something about "it's rolled over there somewhere" (although it came out more like "'s r'll'd 'v'r th'r' s'm'wh'r" but that's nearly impossible to read.) I said, What has, and he mumble-replied, His brain!! Oh I had a giggle fit right then and there! Then I told him not to worry about it, I'd look for it in the morning, it'll be fine on its own for the night, haha! I did _not_ want him to lose that state. I'd knocked him offline!! I still can't believe I managed it. 

The next morning I joked about it a little, told him I'd found his brain rolled under the bed with the dust and we'd need to wash it off. He looked at me and said "John, are you saying that I have a dirty mind?" and I completely lost it giggling again. I asked if anyone had ever done that for him before and he shrugged and said he didn't know. Huh? How could he not know? He just shrugged again and said he didn't remember anyone else before me. He remembered that there had **been** others before me, but he didn't remember anything about who they were or what sort of bed partners they had been because as far as he was concerned, that was irrelevant. Cue my jaw hitting the floor! I mean, he'd only been telling me about them for months, right? I knew he'd had partners of both sexes, I knew they'd found him lacking and he them, I knew he'd gone off the whole business as not worth the trouble it brings and how could he have forgotten all of that? And then I realised what he'd done. 

He'd deleted it. All of it. Everything and everyone before me, he'd deleted it all. He only kept a vague memory that there had been others before me, so that he would remember why.

I couldn't speak for a few minutes, I just couldn't. I didn't know what to say. What do you say? What _can_ you say, to something like that? When someone tells you that they like what you do so well that no one else is worth remembering? And not even as a compliment, just as a statement of fact, like it's just a fact of their reality. It's just so... I don't even know how to describe it... Humbling. Frightening. I realised I've set myself a high standard to live up to and I'm scared that I can't sustain it. I mean, what happens when the shine wears off? If he has nothing left to compare to, what if someday he doesn't realise that it ever was shiny? What if he starts to find me boring, what then?

It must have shown on my face or body language, because he did that trick where he seems to read my mind and he said, "John, it's been how long now since we first moved in together? In all that time, I have found you to be amusing, perplexing, entertaining, frustrating, joyful, annoying, appealing, dull, idiotic, astonishingly clever, and endlessly fascinating, but never, _ever_ , not even once, have I found you to be boring."

People ask me why I put up with S.; this is why.


End file.
